24 days

Well, yall, it has been 24 days since surgery, and I finally have the energy to open my laptop. 

The phrases I have used to describe the physical pain and pace of recovery have been GRUELING and DAUNTINGLY SLOW. 

The days at the hospital,and my first week back home all feel blurry, as every moment felt overshadowed by pain. 

Yet, as I recall, each day there has been one small string of hope. 

At first it was hope that they were going to let me suck the sponge filled with water, and while I couldn't swallow it, I could spit it back out.  Pure joy.

Then it was the NG tube coming out, and getting liquids. 

Later in the hospital, it was the hope of going home if I could get my pain under control. 

When I got home it was the blissful feeling of my sister in law blow drying my hair while I laid on my bed deplete of energy.

Each day since there has been something. Digestive pain feeling a little better. A dry needling appointment on the calendar for my back. A night with some sleep, after a night with almost zero. 

In the past few days I feel like I have turned more corners, and had some bigger wins: 

- God giving me friends who have stopped by each day this past week while Jonathan went back to work. Literally either the day of or day before, a friend will text if I am up for a visitor. It has given my spirit such strength.

- The ability to go on longer "walks" -- My record, just today was .38 miles! (Tho most are .1, just down the street and back!) 

- Energy to read maddie a book or two some nights & then brush our teeth together-- which gives Jonathan a 10 minute break.

- The ability to make my own turkey and cheese sandwich!

- An incredible PT appointment (with my girl Jackie Roelofs) 

Glimpses of independence, ability to serve Jonathan in small ways, and normalcy are the pieces of hope that God is giving me to keep going -- truly epitomizing the words "strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow." 

Beyond physical, people have asked me how I am doing emotionally/spiritually. My respoonse --

I don't know how but I have felt so sustained and held by God in ways I cannot explain. I think it's the daily bread of the tangible pieces of hope He has given. In answered prayer, in words of encouragement, in the way that the Gospel hits my ears -- and my heart-- on days Jonathan reads out loud to me. 

I, for one of the first times, understand the analogy of the word of God being like honey. 

As I continue to slowly recover here are ways you can pray for Jonathan and me:

• Night sleep -- pain increases a lot at night, and I am up almost every hour. 

• Sustained energy for Jonathan -- He has been an absolute rock for our family. Truly there is not a better man, and he continues to bear the load of cleaning, Maddie, me, and work.

• Back pain to get better and the ability to start cutting back on everyday pain meds

• A POTENTIAL VACCINE: 

So, about a month before my surgery, I reached out to a company that has a Clinical Trial that makes vaccines out of peoples' tumors. I was able to join the trial, and they sent vials, intense frozen shipping supplies and instructions to my surgeon! -- They were able to send samples of my tumor to this company. **PLEASE PRAY that they are able to make a vaccine out of it! 

My tumors have so many weird components - namely that they are mucinous, so with other tests -- like cellular level detection in blood, etc , it has proved inconclusive.  So I am fearful my tumor won't fit the bill for what they can do. But pray I am wrong! Please pray that they can successfully make the vaccine, and that it can be administered to me, in a way that will allow my body to kill the tumor if it comes back! 

I should know in the next 2 weeks! 

Praise: 

• Maddie has adjusted pretty well to my limitedness & has become quite the daddy's girl!

• We got to decorate for Christmas some this morning! I mainly watched but it was still a treat(small stocking bunting picture >> purchased from the incredible small business Eventide Pennant Company)

• We are being continually fed by friends, plus my mom made a slew of individual portioned meals for me that I am working thru in the freezer! The labor of love to make or send a meal is one I've never valued so much.

I'll leave you with words that I am clinging to, through the song Behold by Mission House. (Link to listen)

The empty filled, the wounded healed

The broken back together

The poor are blessed, the weary rest

We will dance forever

The blinded see, the chained are free

The doubtful now believer

The outcast known, the orphan home

You are my Redeemer

Behold, behold

Behold what love can do

Behold, behold

He's making all things new

The lost return, the voiceless heard

The mourner now rejoicing

The mountains shake, the world awake

Creation all composing

The sad untrue, the earth renewed

The song has found its singer

The darkness light, the dead alive

You are my Redeemer

Behold, behold

Behold what love can do

Behold, behold

He's making all things new

We've been struck down, we're not destroyed

We've sown in tears, we'll reap in joy

We've been struck down, we're not destroyed

We've sown in tears, we'll reap in joy

My eyes are open

Behold, behold

Behold (behold), behold (behold)

Behold what love can do

Behold (behold), behold (behold)

He's making all things new

Behold (behold), behold (behold)

Behold what love can do

Behold (behold), behold (behold)

He's making all things new

He's making all things new

He's making all things new

(Link)

These words are the truest thing, the reason for hope. All because Jesus. I implore you, let. Him. be. your. life. Jesus, and the hope he brings of redeeming all of this pain and suffering and injustice are literally the thing holding me the most right now.